If you're a regular reader of my blog you'll know I am currently on holiday in the States and I am having an amazing trip. We have two days left before we fly back to Dubai and I am laden with half of Sephora and an extra case! I took the above picture during our road trip-it felt really poignant and struck a chord with me.
What some of you also may know is that exactly one year ago today I was diagnosed with cancer. Whilst I don't want to do a very long, deep post here I do want to acknowledge the fact that it is the first anniversary of my diagnosis.
Although I am in remission I have found it difficult to move on. Although I am back to 'normal' I think about cancer an insane amount of times per day. Way more than I would ever be comfortable admitting to anyone. I said in April that I felt lost and I still feel not only lost but loss too. I know that some people think I had it 'easy' with my cancer as I only had to have surgery and no chemo or radiotherapy and whilst there is no denying that those undergoing chemo and radio have a tougher journey than I did, I lost the ability to ever have a family and that is taking some coming to terms with. I am at the age where I get asked (very) frequently if I have kids. Life without choice is difficult.
I find I get snappy and stressed quite easily these days and I lose my temper quickly. I have gained more than 20lbs since my surgery through comfort eating. I miss my boss Nick who moved back to the UK in April and the impact he had on my day to day life. I am not the best version of myself. I feel like coming through cancer should have made me a better person, not a worse one.
Over the last 12 months I have made some amazing additional friends and my friends, parents, colleagues and Mike (plus an amazing surgeon and oncologist) have got me to where I am today-for that I am very grateful. I'm also really really good at just getting on with things.
But twelve months has now passed and I need to start taking steps to move on. I just need to work out what they are.